80's songs and Heartbreaks
by damedesoleil
Summary: What Penelope feels and thinks, while Derek is spending the night out. Her feelings, her loneliness, her broken heart.
1. Alone

'_Alone' –Heart_

_I hear the ticking of the clock  
I'm lying here the room's pitch dark  
I wonder where you are tonight  
No answer on the telephone  
And the night goes by so very slow  
Oh I hope that it won't end though  
_

_Alone_

Till now I always got by on my own  
I never really cared until I met you  
And now it chills me to the bone  
How do I get you alone  
How do I get you alone

_You don't know how long I have wanted  
to touch your lips and hold you tight  
You don't know how long I have waited  
and I was going to tell you tonight  
But the secret is still my own  
and my love for you is still unknown  
_

_Alone  
_

_Till now I always got by on my own  
I never really cared until I met you  
And now it chills me to the bone  
_

_How do I get you alone  
How do I get you alone  
How do I get you alone  
How do I get you alone  
_

_Alone, alone _

Alone, alone, alone. Always alone. This was the way things had always been for her. Since her days with her parents, she never fit in with the other children, her brothers were all a lot older than her, in college, she was one of the few girls into computer science, after her parents death, while she was underground, as an adult… and now, the most alone she'd felt in a long while. Sure, she had her adopted family, the BAU team, but at the end of the day, they couldn't stop the loneliness from slipping into her. Kevin had made the loneliness go away for a while, before they'd broken up, over the fact that Penelope didn't love him the way he loved her. Because no one, _no one_ had stopped it better, her eternal loneliness, than Derek Morgan.

Derek was her Hot Stuff, he best friend, her true love, even if he wasn't in on that last part. But for the best part of Penelope's years at the BAU, her heart had belonged to the gorgeous and eternal Casanova profiler Derek. Of course, he didn't know. He had gaggles of gorgeous women willing, and damn happy to share his bed, in an attempt to be the one to tame him. And, Penelope was also aware of the fact that she was nowhere near the level of beauty of those women, and that Derek, although her best friend, will never see fat and geeky Garcia as anything else than his best friend. She knew this, she was perfectly aware of this fact, but that didn't stop her heart from breaking every time she saw him with his new conquest for the night. And, well, after so long, she could deal with that to some degree.

What she couldn't deal with was the fact that Derek was getting serious about someone. It killed her, Penelope wanted Derek to be happy, she did, but it didn't make it easier for her to see him so interested in settling with someone for longer than a weekend.

Before, when the women hadn't lasted longer than a night or two, he was always coming back to her. Not directly no, but they had their dinner nights, and hung out together, and every Wednesday, case permitting, they had a movie night at his or her place. But now, with him and this girl getting serious, movie nights had been put on hold in exchange for date nights with her. And it had killed her inside, every Wednesday, she spent on her own, watching sad movies, wishing she had Derek back. And, sadly, Penelope spent most of the movie thinking about Derek, and what he's doing, where he is. And after every night it gets a little harder for Penelope to get up, and carry on like her heart isn't in shambles at the hands of her best friend.

And the night takes forever to end, but it always ends too soon, because as soon as the night is over Penelope has to go back out in the world, and smile, and have her characteristic eccentric clothes, and witty retorts, and smart ass answers, and her usual energy, and smile like there is nothing wrong with her, and like it doesn't hurt every time Derek calls her, or worse has someone else on the team call her, when he used to do it himself all the time.

Before Derek came into her life, and became such an important part of her, and her everything, she could deal with the loneliness, but Penelope's not sure she can deal with the loneliness and the broken hart for much longer, seeing him every day, and pretending every day for the sake of their long standing friendship…

And he just doesn't see her. He doesn't see how much Penelope would give to be with him. To get him alone. To get him to herself. And there are times, when she wonders, if it really is worth it? Every day, day after day, if she really has to deal with this. And she thinks it does, because life with Derek as your friend and colleague is much better than life without Derek at all. But she always wonders if it wouldn't be better for her, to just get away from him. To get far away so she wouldn't have to see him on a daily basis, to hear his sexy voice over the telephone, to see his sexy smiles directed towards another woman. To just be far away enough to heal her broken heart, her broken spirit. And there are days when she thinks leaving would be the best thing to do. She could keep in touch with the others through e-mail, and she could always come down and visit JJ and Henry, and Reid, and Emily, even Hotchner and little Jack.

And after, some more Wednesday nights spent waiting for Derek to remember their standing movie night, and some more nights spent crying her eyes out because her heart is broken without repair, she makes a decision about her future, and the future of her stay in the BAU. It's her life, and she needs it back, because soon, she wouldn't be able to pretend anymore.


	2. What about Love?

A/N: Thank you, thank you, thank you to all those who reviewed. It made my day. I hope ya'll like this next chapter.

_Flashbacks_

_'What about Love?'—Heart_

_I've been lonely  
I've been waiting for you  
I'm pretending and that's all I can do  
The love I'm sending  
Ain't making it through to your heart  
You've been hiding, never letting it show  
Always trying to keep it under control  
You got it down and you're well  
On your way to the top  
But there's something that you forgot_

_What about love  
Don't you want someone to care about you  
What about love  
Don't let it slip away  
What about love  
I only want to share it with you  
You might need it someday_

_I can't tell you what you're feeling inside  
And I can't sell you what you don't want to buy  
Something's missing you got to  
Look back on your life  
You know something here just ain't right_

_What about love  
Don't you want someone to care about you  
What about love  
Don't let it slip away  
What about love  
I only want to share it with you_

_What about love  
Don't you want someone to care about you  
What about love  
Don't let it slip away  
What about love  
I only want to share it with you_

_Oh love  
Oh oh what about love  
Yeah  
What about love  
Love love love  
What about what about love  
Oh love_

She left. Penelope, she was Derek Morgan's Baby Girl, his God-Given Solace was gone. The team, Derek included, was out on the job, and when the team got back, she wasn't at the office. Everybody just figured it was late, and she did have a boyfriend to go home to. 'We'll see her in the morning' they all thought.

Well, morning came and gone, and there was no Penelope there. Instead, there was another girl in her bunker, and all traces of Penelope were long gone. JJ, the first one to find out, was surprised. She and Penelope had been close friends. Derek, Penelope Garcia's supposed best friend did not find out until they got a case a couple hours later. Prentiss told him, when he'd asked her to call Garcia about something. And after that Morgan's world make no sense after that. All he could think about was 'She's gone, and I'm alone now.'

Derek's girlfriend, Tamara, was not happy that he was so broken hearted over that fact. She understood he'd just lost a good friend. But they weren't close enough for him to be so sad. In fact, since they'd been dating, she'd never once seen them hanging out together, or heard of them hanging out together while she'd been at work. So she did not understand the fact that now when he had time off, all he did was sit down in his dark house with Clooney and a beer, drinking himself into oblivion, and then working himself into exhaustion at work, every day, when he used to always try and spend time with her. Yes, losing a friend is very hurtful, but well, was it really that bad? It's not like she was dead. She had just moved away. Actually, no one had any idea as to where Penelope was at, come to think of it.

Derek, well… a mess was a nice way of saying how he was. At work, she was all he could think about, no matter how important the case was, and how much he wanted to solve it. After work, all he could think was about the time they'd spent together, at her apartment, at his house, at the bullpen, at the bar. Anywhere, and all the time's they'd spent together, anytime he got tot hear her sexy voice, to be in her glorious presence.

* * *

_"Hey, Baby Girl. What's tonight's movie? Because, baby, I can only watch so many musicals before I get tired of them," said Derek._

_It was Wednesday night, they'd finished the case and gotten home just in time for Morgan and Garcia to have they movie night. The last two movie nights Penelope had picked the movie, and sadly he'd had to watch _Moulin Rouge_ and _Chicago_, and he'd already heard her singing horribly off-key 'I'll Cover You,' and he was terrified of having to endure another musical. Although, he really wouldn't complain since he'd be spending time with Penelope, and any and all time with Penelope, and he'd watch 'Dora, the Explorer' if it meant spending time with her. _

_"O, ho, ho, my darling. We are no where near done with watching musicals. Today, well, today's is _RENT!_ And, you, my chocolate god, will just have to put up with it, while we cuddle. Plus, I got your favorite. Honey chicken with fried rice, and eggrolls."_

_"You, baby girl, are a genius. I knew there was a reason why I loved you!" said Derek, giving Penelope his trademark Derek smile that made all women weak at the knees, Penelope included, and pulling her into a hug._

_After they had their food, Derek spent the rest of the night cuddling up with his baby girl, while she watched RENT! For the millionth time._

* * *

That had been one of the last nights they'd spent together before life got in the way. Lynch started taking up more of her time, and Tamara had started taking more of Derek's. And now she was gone. And he was alone. And his girlfriend, the woman he supposed to care about, well, she was leaving too, as they all did, but he couldn't bring himself to care. But, well, after Pen was gone, he just didn't care about were Tam was or who with.

Of course, the only reason Derek had to start seeing Tamara was because she needed him. Penelope had her own life, and had no more place in it for Derek. She'd had Lynch. Goodness, how Derek hated Kevin Lynch. But then again he'd made Pen happy.

Speaking of Lynch, he had no idea as to where Penelope was, either, because apparently they'd broken up.

* * *

"_Lynch? Lynch!" said a storming Derek Morgan walking around the White Collar Fraud department, looking none too pleased to be there._

_Kevin Lynch was sitting in his computer desk, with his usual baggy untucked paisley shirt, and brown pants, typing away on one of the desktops. Papers were scattered all over the desk, and he himself didn't look any neater. _

"_Morgan? What is it?"_

"_Lynch, I'm going to ask you this once, and I am going to do this nicely. Where is Garcia?" said Derek in the same tone he used when talking to a particularly nasty unsub._

"_How should I know? Shouldn't she be in her bunker?" said Lynch. _

"_I asked nicely, Lynch, and I ain't gonna do it again. Where the hell is Pen?"_

"_I don't know, man. She dumped me. I haven't talked to her in a while."_

"…_What?" asked Derek, surprised beyond belief. He hadn't known that._

"_Yup. Dumped me. So, I have no idea where she is. Are you sure she left?"_

"…_Uhh, yeah," said Derek, turning around, walking away from Lynch, who just stared at him, as if he was just a little bit crazy._

* * *

So, all in all, no one had a clue. Penelope had just grabbed her stuff, told Chief (pain-in-the-ass) Strauss that she was leaving, and left. That was it.

And now, Derek had just realized he was done pretending. He spent years of his life pretending that Penelope was just like Desiree and Sara, but she wasn't. Not even close. He spent months hiding behind Tamara, but that wasn't working either.

And it was all affecting his work. Derek loved the BAU, but he loved it more when his Baby Girl was there. Now he snapped at everybody, was moody, and absolutely hated the new tech person.

* * *

"_Hey, ba--, Trenton, sorry. I need you to find me this man's file, anything and everything you can," said Morgan to the new tech. The team was in Baton Rouge, looking for a sadistic teenage girl killer, with the body count up 'til 6 girls, as of that morning. _

"_I already sent everything over to JJ, sir," said the tech, used to Agent Morgan's attitude towards her._

"_I saw those files, but this killer is young. We need to see if there's an escalation from other crimes, when he was younger. Could you get me his juvie records?" asked Morgan, already out of patience after they found that latest body, even after all the FBI presence. _

"_I can't get those files, sir. They're sealed."_

"_Just do it Trenton!"_

"…_I'll see what I can do, sir."_

* * *

And that was just snapping at the new team tech. Derek had also snapped at JJ, at Prentiss, at Reid, hell, even at Rossi.

Things just simply weren't worth it for Derek if Penelope wasn't there. He wasn't blind. He really wasn't. He'd really thought she'd wait for him to settle. But how did he not notice that she was done? Done waiting for him? Just done with him and his insensitiveness? Well, that… that he didn't notice. And now, what about love? Their love?


End file.
